LEAKED: VIPER FURY'S TOUR RIDER IS THE MOST UNHINGED DOCUMENT IN ROCK HISTORY

We got our hands on the band's confidential backstage demands. We have questions. So many questions.

By Stacey Grohl

Every band has a rider. It is the sacred contract between artist and venue, a document that says "we will perform music for your paying customers, and in exchange, you will provide us with the specific items we need to not lose our minds." Van Halen famously demanded M&Ms with the brown ones removed. Ozzy wanted a physician on standby. These are reasonable, professional requests from reasonable, professional people.

Viper Fury's rider is not that.

What follows are real, unedited excerpts from the band's 1986 "Neon Venom" tour rider, obtained by this publication through means we are legally advised not to disclose. We have organized them by band member, because each member apparently submitted their demands separately, on different paper, in different handwriting, and — in one case — on what appears to be a napkin from a Denny's.

Owen — Vocals

One (1) electric kettle, functioning, British-made. "Do NOT provide an American kettle. I will know. American kettles do not boil properly. This is not a preference, it is physics."
Yorkshire Tea, 40-count box, minimum. "If PG Tips are substituted I will play the entire show one half-step flat and no one will be able to prove it was on purpose."
One (1) broadsheet newspaper, preferably the Telegraph. "If unavailable, the Times is acceptable. Under no circumstances provide the Sun. I'd rather read nothing."
One (1) pint of proper milk. "Not that UHT nonsense. Not 'creamer.' Milk. From a cow. Recently."
A room with a door that locks, "so I can have fifteen minutes of peace before Jemah starts her drum warmups, which she does at a volume that suggests she is trying to communicate with submarines."

Jemah — Drums

A full-length mirror. Minimum six feet tall. "I need to see the entire silhouette."
Three (3) pairs of drumsticks — Vic Firth 5B, "arranged in a triangle formation on a black cloth. This is not negotiable. The triangle is rhythmically significant."
One (1) fog machine, backstage. "For ambiance. Do not question this."
Twelve (12) black candles, unscented. "For my pre-show meditation ritual."
A separate room from Owen. "His tea-making sounds are disruptive to my pre-show centering process. The spoon against the cup. Over and over. It's psychological warfare and he knows it."
One (1) cape rack. "Standard coat racks are insufficient for capes. This should be obvious."
No flash photography in the dressing room. "Not for vanity. For spiritual reasons. The flash disrupts my aura. Madame Volara confirmed this."

Sheldon — Bass

Nothing.

[Ed. note: Sheldon's section of the rider was a blank page. Management confirmed this was intentional. "He doesn't want anything," said road manager Phil Donatello. "We've offered. He just stares at you."]

Barnel — Lead Guitar

[Barnel's demands were written on a Denny's napkin in what appears to be green crayon. The handwriting is surprisingly elegant.]

One (1) room with no windows. "Or tape over the windows. Either way, no sky."
Six (6) cans of Dr Pepper, warm. Not cold. Warm.
"No one talks to me before the show. I mean NO ONE. Not the crew, not the promoter, not anyone. If someone talks to me, I will go somewhere else and it might take a while to find me."
A chair. "Not a folding chair. A real chair. With personality."
One (1) acoustic guitar, any brand. "I won't play it during the show. I just want it in the room. Don't ask."

General / Band-Wide

Absolutely no clowns within 500 feet of the venue. "This is Sheldon's one request and we honor it." (Handwritten addendum by Owen: "We don't know why. We've never asked. We never will.")
Twenty-four (24) cans of Aqua Net, Extra Super Hold. Band-wide supply. "Do not let Jemah take more than her share. Last time she used nine cans in one sitting and the fire marshal got involved."
One (1) ironing board. No iron. Just the board. (No explanation provided. Multiple venues have asked. No explanation has ever been given.)

We reached out to Viper Fury's management for comment. A representative said, simply: "The rider is the rider. We don't explain the rider." When pressed on the ironing board, they said, "We especially don't explain the ironing board," and hung up.

Owen, reached by phone, was characteristically unbothered: "Look, everyone's got their things. My things just happen to involve proper tea-making infrastructure. If that's unreasonable, then I don't know what reasonable is, and I'm fine with that."

Jemah's publicist released a statement calling the leak "a violation of artistic privacy" and stating that the triangle arrangement of drumsticks is "a widely recognized percussionist ritual used by professionals worldwide." When we contacted several drum instructors to verify this, none of them had heard of it. One of them laughed for a very long time.

Barnel could not be reached for comment. This is normal.

POST-PUBLICATION UPDATE: Since this article went to print, we have received a cease-and-desist letter from Jemah's attorney regarding the phrase "cape rack." The letter states that publishing details of Jemah's "proprietary garment storage solutions" constitutes a breach of trade secrets. Our legal department is reviewing this claim, though they have described it as "the most creative use of intellectual property law they have ever encountered." We have also received a postcard from Barnel with no return address. It contains a single drawing of a chair. We believe this is approval.