VIPER FURY TOUR BUS CATCHES FIRE OUTSIDE ALBUQUERQUE; BAND CONTINUES TO NEXT GIG IN STOLEN GROCERY CART

The Viper Fury tour bus — a 1979 MCI converted coach affectionately known as "The Serpent" — burst into flames at approximately 2:47 AM on a stretch of I-40 outside Albuquerque, New Mexico, during the band's "Bite the Lightning" North American tour. The cause of the fire is officially under investigation, but multiple sources have pointed to drummer Jemah's portable deep fryer, which she had allegedly been using to make churros "for morale."

"First of all, the churros were excellent," Jemah said from the parking lot of a Circle K, where the band had regrouped. "Second of all, correlation is not causation. The bus was old. Buses catch fire. That's just science." When informed that buses do not, in fact, routinely catch fire, Jemah asked if we wanted a churro. She had saved the deep fryer.

The band lost most of their personal belongings in the blaze, including Sheldon's entire bass rig, Owen's "lucky" leather pants (which he claims were worn by Jim Morrison, a claim disputed by everyone), and fourteen bottles of Aqua Net that ignited in what firefighters described as "a secondary event of genuinely alarming intensity." Barnel's guitar, however, was found completely unscathed twenty feet from the wreckage. "Of course it survived," Barnel said — his first words in six days. He then picked it up, got into a passing stranger's El Camino, and was not seen again until soundcheck the following evening.

The band made it to their next show in Tucson through a combination of hitchhiking, a borrowed pickup truck, and — according to road manager Phil Donatello — "a grocery cart, but only for like two blocks, and I don't want to talk about it." The Tucson show went on as scheduled, with the band performing on borrowed equipment. Reviews were unanimously positive, with the Tucson Weekly calling it "the most unhinged, beautiful disaster we've ever witnessed. Five stars."

Manager David Nicolosi has confirmed that a replacement tour bus has been secured. "It's a school bus," he admitted. "But we painted it black, so it's cool. It's rock and roll." He paused. "Jemah is not allowed to bring the deep fryer."